Life is too short

A friend of mine is in grief. His daughter wrote what I am posting below. And then she died. Age 24. My friend is in grief. For him life goes on but not really living. Not yet anyway.

I will offer a prayer my friend does not understand. He does not worship God in Hebrew as I do. This prayer is sometimes called  the prayer for the dead. But it is really the prayer for the living who remain. It is also sometimes sung or said in Aramaic. This is the opening stanza transliterated:

Yitgaddal veyitqaddesh sh'meh rabba

B'ʻal'ma di v'raʼ khiruteh

v'yamlikh malkhuteh

v'yatzmach purqaneh viqarev m'shicheh

b'chayekhon uvyomekhon

uvchaye d'khol bet yisraʼel

b'ʻagala uvizman qariv v'ʼimru amen

Translated:

Exaulted and is God's great name

in the world which He has created according to His will

and may He establish His kingdom

may His salvation blossom and (draw) near

in your lifetime and in your days

and in the lifetimes of all the house of Israel

speedily and soon, and say Amen

Below are my friend's daughters words. Thursday is the aniversary of her passing:

The story of Job shows us that God is in control, and he does not initiate evil, permits it but also limits it.

There are two common responses to suffering:

Stoic cynicism:
- ask why me?
- there must be no God or if there is he doesn't give a crap so I can live however I want

Fanatic moralism:
- ask why me?
- I must have done something wrong so try and be a better person

Most people are one of the two, some go back and forth between them

When we ask why?
- we need to learn to live without an answer and to embrace living without
- that shows whether we love God just for what He does for us or for who He is

Can I do that?

It's a hard faith
a cruel mountain pass
we cross hoping
but with no promise of
greener patures the other
side

It's a hard word
this disjointed syllable
we invoke hoping
that somewhere it will
be heard and
answered

It's a hard God
a wild animal who
asks for love and
admiration with the
promise of nothing in
return

I am selfish. So, so selfish. And I am afraid I will continue to be for some time yet. My dependence has never been on you. You have never defined me. I have depended on my friends, my work, my hobbies, even my beliefs and ideologies to define me but never you.

It made me feel good to hear your voice, to pray in tongues, to get guidance, words, pictures, etc. I know your spirit was in me and I don't think I was acting out of pride but maybe it was just a way to feel good about myself. And wasn't I often jealous of others' gifts?

It's true that my reaction at first was - have I not done enough? (moralism) But then it shifted to - because this is happening God must not care. I still firmly believe that when I was first diagnosed I was not doing anything wrong - there was nothing more I could have done to please God. I was exactly where he told me to be, doing His will as best I knew how. So the whole moralism thing didn't last very long.

And now I've been so cynical, believing that you're a malicious tyrant who inflicts suffering for the hell of it, or just not caring.

Anesthesia
I like the feeling
of going under
thick white liquid
capable hands push the syringec
ount backwards
10... 9...
veins warm, muscles dissolve
And quick
merciful sleep
too quickly over

Spiritual dirt

This is a Red course stream of emails

Evan Peters said in part:

 I’m sure many share this perspective but specifically in recent years I have become fascinated with the examples of new life springing from death that I see all over creation (dirt is essentially a bunch of dead stuff, and from it comes nearly everything we need to live). These help remind me of my place in the world, both as someone growing out of things past (ie. people, ideas that have gone before me) and as someone who will contribute to lives to come, but most importantly as a child of God whose life is centered on Jesus’ death and resurrection.

Kris MacQueen said:

Evan, I LOVE the dirt metaphor. We are growing out of raw, organic material that is left behind by those who have gone before. 

I feel like the soil of our present culture is in pretty bad shape. Many of the nutrients have been taken out of the earth, and like the physical world we live in, there's a whole lot of synthetic materials trying to make up the balance, but with disastrous consequences. Part of the "good news" that the gospel has only recently become to me is that there is rich, well tended soil that we can root ourselves in. As a people with very little sense of history, the rich (though occasionally soiled and tarnished) legacy of the Church fills the void left by our sometimes plastic, synthetic culture.

I replied:

Deep connections with the past are wonderful But remember our Lord Himself made deep connections with His past. Son of David according to the flesh. Ancient of days according to the Spirit.

He choose to reveal Himself in a powerful historical context with a rich full spiritual vocabulary already in place. And He choose to reveal Himself through out history to individuals in key places. People like Moses who wore the veil, David who made the Psalms and so on.

And further more, this history is not over. I read in the prophesy of Revelation that there are two women in the future story. A whore of great wealth and power who is thrown down, and a bride of Messiah who is lifted up. We get to decide which woman we are part of.

The Bible is full of the story of Jesus acting through out history. It is indeed HIS story. And the future holds HER story. I cannot read my favorite prophet, Jeremiah and not see that word, read about Moses and the veil, read about the bride of Messiah, without realizing that it is the same story. And it all started in the garden when God looked at Adam alone and said 'it is not good'. Of course it is not good! HIS story is incomplete without HER story. 

And as for plastic synthetic culture, I have to both agree and plead guilty. For those who don't know me I am the VFX pipeline architect for a movie special effects company. And there is nothing quite so synthetic and plastic as CGI movies. Building the technology that makes that stuff possible is what I am doing for a living at the moment. Chatting with Kris this morning after worship we both expressed our individual desire to turn more of our talents to making things for the Kingdom of God. 

I would far sooner put my energy into worship in the desert with even just a small chance to inspire God's people than to make another Dragonball. You will see that movie come out in a month or so. Technically it is amazing stuff. Spiritually, well not so good. The problem is we cannot build a successful movie company around the next Narnia. And actually even movies like that are awarded by bids and contracts with a lot of studios competing. So in the end the worship expression in my desert might have to stick with music, which I love. And possibly some live action movies.

Just in closing, there is a name for the people of Israel that the rabbis gave them. It was a derogatory put down similar to the original meaning of Christian, which meant 'little Christs' (Andy preached on it this morning, wow connections). The term for a Jew living in the land is Am Ha Aretz. But today to be an Am Ha Aretz in Israel is a good thing. This term has been turned around as well. Now it means someone who sticks to it, who does not leave. No hardship can drive them out. Am Ha Aretz literally means dirt people.

Remembering beginnings

I posted this in the Red course too.

I remember so many deep connections. I remember at the age of 8 listening to a sermon and arguing with the pastor in my spirit. That is not what scripture says!!! I can remember the sermon, but this is supposed to be short so... And I can remember in that same service something else that happened that day for the first time. Something that has repeated itself to my surprise and delight many times.

I remember sitting in the balcony, hearing the choir and the congregation below, beside and behind me. I was right beside the front rail. And as I sang to the Lord in my spirit, I left my body and flew around the room in extacy worshiping of my God. In later years this would mature into several other kinds of worship experiences, I have seen Jacob's ladder, chariots of fire, and hosts of angels in these transcendent moments. Always they have surprised me. I cannot 'do it', to make these moments happen. But when my heart is in the right place then God visits me and takes me places I cannot describe.

And with this also has come a deep commitment to my Lord Jesus the Christ. Adonal Yeshuah HaMachiach in Hebrew. I am commited to Him and to His expression. I am committed to His word, His law, His ways and His teaching exactly as He gave it. When He said not one Jot or tittle shall be removed from Torah till all is fulfilled, I take it to mean just that. And He has not said all is fulfilled. Indeed He said He is coming back because there is more to do. Prepare The Way for the Lord!

Some people over the years have suggested that it is better to be humble than to be right. The problem with that is by humble they ask us to bow down. But bowing down to a lie is not humility. It is slavery. 

Let each person decide for them self what to do about a feast day or a holiday. Honor and love God. Express yourself and express the word of God. We are made for each other. Bless one another with your best blessing, your deepest wealth of spirit, your most humble profound wisdom. And give it in worship to our God. Give only your best. This is my cry.

Warm up

Well the old blog has been dormant for a while. Not that I have been silent, no my writting has been frequent and deep. The problem is I am under prophetic a silence from God right now. There is nothing mysterious or particularly deep about it. I am silenced because I gave a prophesy that is under attack. I gave a word that I still believe is from God. But the people who are called on to release that situation are holding back. And so I am still writting about it, still intensely pursuing God about it, and still deeply committed to the vision. It has been over a year since this started, and there is no end in sight. 

So I will avoid prophesy and talk about other things. I am taking the Vineyard Essentials Red course. They are discussing the foundations and the essential values in worship and the spiritual formation of leaders.